Starting my 2nd IVF cycle...and other events following child loss.

It's coming up time to start my second IVF cycle, and these are my thoughts as I go though this again.

I haven't talked about my first cycle...it was successful to a certain extent. I'm 43, and wasn't sure what to expect. My RE managed to retrieve 13 eggs last time, and we chose to put back 3 embryos. We managed to get pregnant, but lost the baby at 8 weeks. Devastated again. So much grief and heartbreak. But nothing compared to losing my son, Little D, last September (9 months ago).

This IVF cycle, we are doing the same protocol. BCPs, Lupron, and stimming with GonalF and Menopur. I stopped BCP yesterday, and I'm due to start stabbing twice a day with Lupron on Wednesday, followed by stimming meds.

My husband, Big Daddy, signed for the meds and couldn't believe how big the box was with all the stuff. He'll be even more shocked when we get the credit card statement - LOL.

Last weekend, my stepson, Big D, went to comfortzonecamp.org for the weekend. This camp is for kids/teens that have lost a parent or sibling. They have grief therapy, and talk about their lost loved ones, as well as tons of age appropriate activities. Big D wasn't sure about going - he didn't know anywhere there, and would rather spend the weekend in his room playing Wii and going on the computer. But when we picked him up on Sunday, he told us he's had an amazing experience. He made friends with another teenage boy (who'd lost his Dad), and they've been texting since they got home.

It's been very, very hard to go on living without my little D. I've woken up in the morning and thought, how will I get through another day without my adorable little boy. Mostly my hubby has been parenting Big D, I couldn't or wouldn't parent for many months, as it was too painful. I'm not sure if I'm suffering from depression; it's enough for me to say that I'm grief stricken and devastated. But since we met with comfort zone staff and volunteers, and they talked about how the kids (including Bid D) are grieving, I've been a better parent. Knowing that Big D is grieving his brother, but doing it very differently to us parents, has helped me understand and cope a little better.

You're only as happy as your saddest child.

There’s a phrase that goes something like this “You’re only as happy as your saddest child”. I always thought that was a wise quote. My mother raised me and my three sisters with the best of intent and much success, and I saw her doing her utmost to make us all as happy as we could be. Little did I know she did it all with a heart broken beyond belief, as she too was a bereaved mother. I always knew that losing a child must have been awful, I just didn’t know quite how awful it was. She had buried our brother Ian when he was almost two years old, and only now do I understand how tremendously difficult this had to have been for her.

You ARE only as happy as your saddest child. Once you’ve had a child, you come to know this phrase is true. If one of your children is sick, you want to get them better, to fix them. When our little Dominic was sick, we moved heaven and earth to get him better, all the while knowing that his recovery was the only way we could be happy again. If another child has had a bad day at school, you empathize and badly want to fix it. Sometimes you try and fix it, whatever IT is, and you manage it. Other times you can’t fix it. But you always want to try. Because until they’re happy, you can’t be.

This phrase got me thinking about how this quote works now, after one’s child has died. The worst has happened. The child is gone, will always be gone. They are no longer here in real life. Therefore, for me, I feel like I will always be gone, no longer here in real life. Where else could I be?

Trying to find my voice.

This is a blog about the devastating loss of my adorable son "Little D", and our attempts to try and go forward with life, and find some meaning again. If anyone knows if this is possible I would love to hear it.

But so far, it's been anything but easy. Little D was my only child. He died 8 months ago, on 19th September 2009, and I will discuss how we came to this place in another post when I have more time. For now I will say that the life we loved ended, and joy and happiness were replaced with grief and loss, the likes of which I had never imagined. To anyone else our there who has lost a child....I offer you my deepest sincerest condolences.

Now, my husband, let's call him "Big Daddy", and I are trying to scrape our life back together. We are left with my husband's son, my stepson "Big D", who has immense needs that I'm unable to meet anymore. Big Daddy has had to step up and parent as I've been unable to.

For the last six months we've been trying to have another child. I am 43 and Big Daddy is 46. Being 46 is just fine for a potential father, but 43 is anything but fine to try and be a mother. So far we've done 3 IUIs, all BFN, and then in March we tried IVF. The IVF was better than we could have hoped given my age. My RE retrieved 13 eggs, 9 fertilized, we put back 3 and froze the remaining 6. I got a positive pregnancy test, and we had a little hope back in our lives. But then, at our 8 week ultrasound, the baby's heartbeat was no longer there.

Devastated again.