Trying to find my voice.

This is a blog about the devastating loss of my adorable son "Little D", and our attempts to try and go forward with life, and find some meaning again. If anyone knows if this is possible I would love to hear it.

But so far, it's been anything but easy. Little D was my only child. He died 8 months ago, on 19th September 2009, and I will discuss how we came to this place in another post when I have more time. For now I will say that the life we loved ended, and joy and happiness were replaced with grief and loss, the likes of which I had never imagined. To anyone else our there who has lost a child....I offer you my deepest sincerest condolences.

Now, my husband, let's call him "Big Daddy", and I are trying to scrape our life back together. We are left with my husband's son, my stepson "Big D", who has immense needs that I'm unable to meet anymore. Big Daddy has had to step up and parent as I've been unable to.

For the last six months we've been trying to have another child. I am 43 and Big Daddy is 46. Being 46 is just fine for a potential father, but 43 is anything but fine to try and be a mother. So far we've done 3 IUIs, all BFN, and then in March we tried IVF. The IVF was better than we could have hoped given my age. My RE retrieved 13 eggs, 9 fertilized, we put back 3 and froze the remaining 6. I got a positive pregnancy test, and we had a little hope back in our lives. But then, at our 8 week ultrasound, the baby's heartbeat was no longer there.

Devastated again.